How I am 'perfect'

Below is what my perfect guy's checklist looks like. It's only fair that if I am awesome I am able to back this up with evidence. Of course, much of this is tongue in cheek! :-p


MY PERFECT GIRL

• Attractive. Blonde, buxom and beautiful. Doesn’t wear too much make-up because she’s so pretty that it detracts from her natural beauty!

•Likes my mates. Blends in- in an unexpected way. Totally nuts but no one cares. Is up for anything.

•My mother loves her. My mates all wanna be with her.

•Eats. Won’t just shuffle the food around her plate in an attempt to convince me that she has actually eaten something. I’m not into wasting food- after all, I AM paying!

•Re-writes, shops and wraps the Christmas/birthday present list. My brother’s stepdad’s uncle is a bitch to buy for and I really can’t be arsed at the shops. I’m a guy. We prefer beer over shops. She doesn’t care about this. I can drink, she can shop. PERFECT!

•I complain about how I don’t see my mates enough, so she makes finger food and invites them over for a party. The boys play garage table tennis. She even has a little trophy for the winner! Granted, it says Runners Up, E grade and is adorned with a basketballer figurine (female), but it’s the thought that counts!

•Can carry her own in conversations ranging from mundane toilet humour to politics, history and philosophy.

•Is unique. Doesn’t try to change me and is nothing like my ex. Comes up with entertaining random shit that makes NO sense like marketing Polka Dot Turtle cheese. Can turtles even make cheese?

•Is good with money, doesn’t live with her parents (that would freak me out) and hates citrus fruits, because I do too!

•Is not jealous. Thinks celebrities are normal people and DOESN’T have a crush on Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt *insert celeb name here*. Also thinks that celebrities are a little stupid, Madonna and her Kaballah water, Katie joining Scientology and Tom Cruise eating her placenta, John Travolta not medicating his son for epilepsy, Mel Gibson bagging out Jewish people when they are the backbone of the entertainment industry, Britney Spears driving with her kid on her lap.... Why would ANYONE have a crush on ANY of these dumb fucks? Having said that, I’d bone Jessica Alba, except someone beat me to it. Just jokes!

•Never gets jealous of my female friends. They are just friends. I have already pashed them all anyway. She is much hotter and a better pasher than my chick mates. Her boobs are bigger than theirs because they are all bean poles and, when I was pashing them, I felt like I was pashing D’artagnon, the little weedy nerd friend I have that gives me free cable. She’s more confident than the lot of them put together!

•Doesn’t keep tabs. Unless I have shirked some responsibility or another and skipped town when it was my turn to do dishes. In that case, I deserve it. Fuck! I did that last night! I need to buy her flowers so she forgets!

•I’m in awe of her intellect. She’s so smart, she could run the successful company I work for. The newspaper's quiz is a real specialty of hers. She can also spell. I find it so hot when she takes out her permanent marker to correct the spelling on restaurant menus!

•Is driven, but not a total bitch about it. She’s only a bitch 20% of the time, when I or someone else deserves it. The rest of the time she’s diplomatic. She also opens her mouth the the most inopportune times- when talking about someone they appear right behind her or she doesn’t even click that they are in the some room.

•Has a sophisticated sense of humour. She gets those tricky movies and books that many of my friends don’t. Laughs at the right part of the movie even though no one else in the movie theatre is laughing. I am oh so in awe of her brilliant intellect and strangely enough, I DON’T find it intimidating. That’s because she is nuts.

•She loves decent music. She doesn’t make me dance. I can’t dance. It’s nice that she just excepts this.

•She is willing to hike up a mountain with me. She is also willing to tandem bicycle with me. She doesn’t take a hairdryer camping when I have already told her twelve fucking times that there is no electricity where we are going!

•She doesn’t need me. I need her. I need her because she is so awesome. I can’t believe how busy she is. She’s always doing stuff. This causes me to miss her greatly. I know she misses me too by the way she ignores my messages. I know that this is her being diplomatic, as she would NEVER use her bitchiness to let me know how clingy I am!

•When we go out with the group, she doesn’t sit in the corner and act the mute. Even if she is feeling shit and clinching her stomach from the creamy pasta she ate at dinner. I admire that even though she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome, that doesn’t stop her from eating whatever the fuck the crazy girl wants. She has some interesting cravings, which keeps it interesting.

•Pretends to listen to me, when I have a crazy idea or... any time really. Considers what I say, even if we both know I am ALWAYS wrong.

•Can drive a manual and a can reverse park. This is HOT in a chick. Too bad I will be driving. If I told her where north was, she still couldn’t get to the capital city of this country in under 12 months. She’s hopeless with directions.

•Doesn’t smoke. Drinks, that’s ok. I think she’d be oh so funny smashed.

•Knows how to use a computer because I have no fucking idea. “Ohhhhh- the files are IINNNNN the computer!”

•Loves hot baths. Practically lives in them. Loves to eat chocolate ice-cream sundaes in the bath and feed ME some. Plans on putting a plasma screen TV in her bathroom. This is fantastic because baths are so relaxing and bubble wars are so much fun. Emptying the whole bottle of bubble bath and letting it overflow onto the floor is HOT! She’s also crazy about milk. I find milk moustaches so incredibly sexy. They turn me on hard core.