High School

Hi. SO I guess I should start at the beginning: At high school. I really just wanna write about number 21.... Boy, do I have something to say about HIM and the seven stress pimples he gave me last week....

But, to be fair and consistent, I should start at the beginning.

My first official boyfriend should begin this blog. Let's call him.... Arthur. It was 11th grade, he was my friend's brother, he had AMAZING abs and.... well.... he pashed like a vacuum cleaner. So much sucking it hurt! I permanently had a bruised trachea, which was unfortunate because I now thought that this was how everyone kissed. PDAs were cool. A photo of us pashing on his 18th birthday made it's way into his family's photo album.

Arthur's breath smelt like an ashtray, but, he was a year older than me and drove me to school. THAT was cool! It ended around about the time of The Offspring concert, when my hair was dyed blue and I was beginning to break out into spots. Even to this day, the spots don't seem to have abated, but you know what? Atleast my hair is not still blue!

OK, next guy.... He was a friend of mine. He kissed like a fish. That didn't stop me trying to improve his technique, but it should have. Two words: LOST CAUSE. OK, So I sound like a massive bitch but this guy has a massive ego and I am sure that someone, somewhere LOVES his (somewhat improved?) fish kisses.

There were some dates next with two different guys. One was a hacker who had invited me to a hacking meeting at a phonebooth in the city. The meeting was 'compromised' and we just spent our time cruising around on a city tram talking about skate parks. The other 'date' was a friend of a friend's. We went to the markets after school. HE was the most boring experience of my life at that point. I know, it's had to believe, but it was THAT good!

I was a little tech savvy, so there were also some email 'boyfriends' I never actually met, one lived in Israel, so that was never going to work, but he was interesting, especially his views on his compulsory national service. Another declared his undying love for me and sent me a Valentine; via my hotmail account. It was very strange as he had never actually seen a photo of me. That was ICQ nerd 'dating' in the 90s. OMG I have just realised that I haven't counted any of these experiences in my tally! (Maybe because they don't count!)

I will try to end this entry with my first pick up at a club (I won't promise, I will probably remember something else to share). The guy was a few years older than me and.... well.... When you have a goal to pick up, you have a goal to pick up! He seemed alright from what I could tell... If I pashed him, I thought the Milli Vanilli look-a-likes dancing oh-so-conspicuously behind me would leave me alone... So, I thought 'I'm going to do this' and....before I knew it..... 'What's that metal thing in his mouth? It's the grossest thing I have EVER experienced in my life!' And.... That was when I discovered that tongue rings are an unnecessary evil. Now, a decade later, I am traumatised and I would sooner cross the road than walk next to someone with one of those things. It was THAT bad!

Obviously, dating in my school years was a disaster. But you already know that. However, I am going to elaborate with more experiences which don't actually count. Primary school can't EVER count, but sometimes experiences in these formative years leave you scarred or with stupid, erroneous beliefs. Anyway, whenever I asked a guy out they would decline. I had no idea what I was doing and, as I was NEVER a shrinking violet, *rolls eyes* I even thought it was okay to ask my fourth grade teacher out! Needless to say, he treated me like a leper until that year was over! What a loser, Soleil! In hindsight, I feel SO sorry for him! To add to the bank of evidence that proves that I didn't have any idea what I was doing, I put a photo of a boy in my locket because I thought he would think that it was sweet and then go out with me. What a disaster! At the disco, where I showed everyone, he ran a mile in the other direction! (Surprise-surprise).

At fourteen, I thought I had learnt a few lessons about tact and diplomacy. I thought I was much more mature. So, I asked another guy out with a cute card. It wasn't full on... It just said 'I like you, wanna go out sometime?'. I thought it was okay.... I even ran it past his sisters, who said it was fine. Anyway, it went so well, he laughed in my face!

THEN My high-school friends tried to set me up with a guy who heard voices in his head. He was a great guy, I talked to him because no one else did, but he freaked me out and I WASN'T interested. My friends didn't care. They gave him my number and he rang me up. I apologised, explained it was a mistake and told him to lose my number. I heard his little heart breaking over the phoneline.....

OK, so with a disastrous early history like mine, is it surprising that I have a few issues about dating?

#1: Kids under 12 are kids. That's why they get things for half price. They don't know what they the hell they are doing. That's the definition of a kid. It doesn't make it any less funny, but it does make it all the more forgiveable!
#2: NEVER ask a guy out. It doesn't matter how you do it, just DON'T! Wait for them to ask you.
#3: Kisses can be REALLY, REALLY bad. Don't put up with it. This piece of advice doesn't change. I know, because earlier in the year, I dated yet another 'fish kisser'. It's amazing how beauty can make you forget prior learnings! ;-P
#4: Public displays of affection can be used against you if caught on camera.

That's it for this section, I hope you enjoyed my candid admissions. If not, why are you reading? If so, stay tuned for the next chapter, 'University'.