Newsflash! Soleil spill guts! (Warning - this is boring!)

A moment of admission. It’s not just the checklist that is stopping me from being successful with the male race. There’s a lot more to it. This is the entry which should be banned from this blog and has sat in my drafts box for a long time. Because it gives too much away- because it leaves me open to psychological manipulation by potential suitors who read this blog. Phoenix (awesome band by the way) says 'everything is everything. The more I talk about it, the less I can control'. And..... That's why the style of this entry is just so different. Because the narcissist in me that everyone loves shows vulnerability. And since when is that cool? Epic fail, Soleil. But, this blog is therapeutic to me. And it helps me to understand myself- as well as to let others inside. It is for this reason that I have decided to be honest.

You know this much- I bag out guys. Those guys I like who are capable of committing, I am NOT honest with. I give the impression to them that I am after something casual. I did that in March with ‘awkward’ boy. In fact, it’s probably also why it was awkward- I was jinxing it. And you know what? I’ll probably do it again. Letting a guy in is difficult for me. So, I’m going to develop intense likes for guys that I can never have- just to cover it all up, remove my own sense of responsibility from the picture.

On a first date, my body language is always ‘Oooh! Boy!’ at the start and then it turns to ‘I’m too good for you, go away’. Alternatively, if it’s one where we pash, I give the impression that I am after sex. It’s in my kiss. It’s a good kiss- but it’s a passionate ‘Fuck me now’ kiss. And that is why it ALWAYS solicits that response. And I don’t know whether I’ll stop that any time soon either. I like it. They do too. And.... I also like turning them down and seeing their expressions of disbelief. ;-)

I guess this makes me what has been coined an ‘emotionally unavailable’ (and somewhat cruel) woman. Symptoms of this include:

1) No serious relationships in a long time
2) Keeping a jam packed schedule
3) Texting people rather than calling them
4) Liking ‘emotionally unavailable’ men (the guys I can never have)

You see, being single is the bomb. But.... I get something from the male species. I have male friends and I love them dearly. I get along with them really well. They have a different perspective on the world. And I REALLY like that. I LOVE males. It doesn’t seem that way- but it’s true.

In my own fucked up way, I am looking for a guy that is 'emotionally unavailable' and therefore, an asshole. This is because I remember being ‘happy’ with an emotionally unavailable asshole. I remember feeling chemistry with said asshole. *Start the violins* And that was enough to have me imagining being married to the guy- granted he helped me with these delusions of grandeur. He said we would get married. He promised he would never leave me for as long as I was alive. He said we would grow old together..... *Start the heavy metal* He also said I couldn’t climb into bed until I’d done 50 sit ups. And that when I put on weight, it was on my face. And he put me in fat jokes where I was always eating cake. And once he almost ran me over with his car. *Switch music off* But I don’t care about that. That’s nothing to me. 50 sit ups kept me focused on my weight. I DO put on weight on my face. And the car thing...... he was drunk. The promises he broke...... well...... I couldn’t reconcile them and they broke my spirit. There was an open relationship- and in my naivety I ignored the inevitable. Because..... I was in love. 100% ‘I would have died for him’ love.

And in truth, the potential to experience a love like that again scares the shit out of me. So I press the reject button before it gets too close. So, an asshole who WANTS a relationship- not going to get much of a look in. But, there will be interest. The asshole who doesn’t show much interest in me.... Hello, Mister! The guy who doesn’t want to get married (enter my last long term relationship). Well, hi there! I don’t want to marry you either. The thought of having your babies repels me. But, you can hang around for a while. Kevin wasn’t a 4 year rebound. He was a guy who changed from a marriage-a-phobe to Mr Committed. And when this change occurred, I started seeing him as ugly. Picking apart his traits, as if looking for a reason to get rid of him. Because, you know, he was a supportive guy. He would never pick a fight with me- it was always ME picking fights with HIM! (For entertainment) Look, he really did shit me, but he was a good guy. He would have made an amazing father- just not to my kids. He wasn’t badass enough. And he knew and would comment on this accordingly.

See, I’ve set myself up to fail. If I hadn’t, I would have someone to snog and nothing to blog.

And so, any crushes I have are going to be for guys that aren’t ready for commitment. Because I don’t feel ready for that myself. And the whole 'settling down' concept shits me. I'm sorry. But the next person that comes along is fine? That's insane!! Anyway, the point where I like a guy occurs just as they are about to pull away or have decided they don’t feel the same way. Defence mechanism. Plain and simple. My camouflage. I’ve just exposed my true colours. 

Look, I wish none of my exes any harm. They were really important to me. They are all great people. But, like most other people in this world, I was hurt by one guy. Boohoo. Violins again I know. Pathetic. Get over it. And I agree- It's not that a pine over him. It's not that I would EVER take him back. It's not that I am so obsessed I would stalk him. But this love I had for him.....was both destructive AND beautiful. There was 100% chemistry AND fun times. And it’s the only time I have really felt that way. So, I’m in a bind. The chemistry was amazing, and I would love to replicate that chemistry. I love that he was a strong man and felt a need to protect me. I never felt that to the same extent as any of the others. And... It doesn’t mean I want the shitty-ness that came with our relationship, I think I am older and wiser in that respect. But.... I associate ASSHOLES with the strong man I had & the AMAZING chemical side of things. THAT’S the fucked up bit right there.

So- I guess this is why I am doomed. I just long for some guy who is capable of understanding this bullshit and not care. Yes, I want him. Hard core. But even then, the relationship is doomed. Because if he says he will commit, I will be turned off. On the other hand, I will have to try my hardest NOT to fall hopelessly in love with him and scare him off.... And..... later on down the track if he changes his mind and wants marriage and babies, I’ll still bail unless I've sorted this weird shit out. Lose-lose. Unless he’s a top notch asshole. In that case, everything is sweet. Because, deep down I want a guy I can marry. Maybe I'll even start a family. Asshole is just that. And all will be well.....Until divorce proceedings in 2024. 'I promise to love and cherish you.... until I decide you are too boring for me and I need to blog again. This will occur on December 13, 2024.' Yes.... Soleil's not messed up at all! ;-)