I've been doing a lot of thinking. About previous boyfriends and their beautiful blue eyes. About being treated like a princess. About the nice dinners and the expensive presents and the weekends away....About how I have truly been in love and this apparently makes me 'lucky'. So.... a blind person who once could see is 'luckier' than one that has been blind his or her whole life?
Anyway, I haven't had any action for a while and I am really thinking about throwing the towel in in preference to the eternal bachelorette. It's not that there is no interest from 'naughtypal' and 'rongman' and all the other eligible men in their late 30s and early 40s that peruse the net for casual sex because apparently that is how relationships start nowadays... It's just that I'm my own worst enemy in the dating scene. I sabotage my dates. I appear way too arrogant and I don't even give them a chance. I'm not even excited to go on dates anymore. And the next step.... boyfriend-ness.... It's effort, it means I have to give things up....
Because love scares me. Love also scares assholes. It's common ground I suppose. Because feeling that you would die for an insignificant other is just insane. I don't want that again, but I do want it at the same time because it was blissful happiness and drugs running around mad in my brain. I can't get my head around it. I don't understand how I could have let it happen to me before. Stupid girl. I mean the other stuff I mentioned at the start are all very nice things, but so too is the single life. No compromises. No sacrifices. Financial problems are your own stupid fault. It's not insane. Just.... peachy.
The problem is this bind....I've been standing on the edge of this cliff for too long. 18 months in fact. And I need to jump off. My statistics blog entry is clearly wrong. It said Prince Charming would have come and swept me away in August. And it's September. And no one has kissed me this WHOLE MONTH! So, it must be over then. I don't know what I want. Love frightens me. You've read this far- I throw most boys away before they've even bought me dinner. Alternatively, if I find someone I like, I have stuffed it up in the past anyway by being too keen. So I've stopped showing an interest in them at all. Sometimes I'm interested.... But I don't think either side can tell if I like them or not. I don't want to tell them, that would be disastrous and I would come off as too eager.
So.... I send signals. This seems to backfire too. When it's reciprocated I run away scared or laugh because I was 'just testing'. What else can I do? Those I like..... They run.... Maybe they were 'just testing' too. Karma I suppose. They run just like I do from those that like me. I just can't win this one.
It's time to jump off. To admit. I am Soleil. And I am going to be single forever.
5....4....3....2....
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