OK. So Soleil has now been single for a whole two years. It has been a wonderful adventure- but the sharing stops with this entry. *START SUMMARY*
1) The Edwardo scenario needs to stop. Everyone is telling me that he is a tool because he is only pursuing the physical. It's counter-intuitive and I am going to fall in love with him. It's already started to happen and it's wrong, wrong WRONG.
2) My friend that I love soooo much who I wanted so badly in grade 6 is at it again. I love his cuddles and he says he is waiting for me. I can't handle this. He shouldn't wait. Pressure will only end up in me doing something I regret. I know my life is NOT "Zack and Miri Make a Porno".
3) The musician from my cousin's wedding..... He's got me listening to Florence and the Machine's 'Cosmic Love'.
'The stars, the moon they have all been blown out. You have left me in the dark. No dawn, no day I'm always in this twilight in the shadow of your heart'
'I heard your heart beating- you were in the darkness too. So I stayed in the darkness with you'.
Now- I love twilight. I love the red hues and the sharpness and definition that the sun gives everything. If it was guaranteed that twilight meant sun, blue skies and that heightened contrast I love- I wouldn't mind being in the twilight. But the one that Florence describes... I'm sorry. It sounds shit.
I love the song. I just listened to it over and over. And then I thought of Ben Harper's 'Amen Omen' and the end of my most passionate love affair- The one in my late teens and VERY early twenties. And I can link these two songs to that moment- easily. What an awful time- but what a cornerstone of my existence. Of this blog. Of everything. We stayed in the darkness together until it was unbearable. And we dwelt on the darkness so it engulfed us. We should have eaten some popcorn and watched a movie instead. But no- we dwelt. Because we knew it had been love and rather than changing with it- once those fireworks died we sat in the dark and moped. And THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN (At least- from this half of a new relationship).
So- As I write, looking out and admiring the twilight, I know that it's time to delete those internet dating accounts and to just stop looking full stop. It's time to just let myself be. And if that means that there is someone out there who fits me well- I'll let it happen. I'm done with this game. No eleventh hour this time. The game is up. I've done my dash- I've dabbled enough in a 'dark side' I never thought I would visit and I'm richer for the experience. My stories have made and reinforced me. I am just someone who has been looking for something that nobody truly understands. Something that everyone has an opinion about but is just a stereotyped, cliched book of fluff- and as mentioned in my bio, I transcend the stereotypical and cliched. It's time to go.
Bye bye, my lovelies!
Soleil
xoxo
