Raw and uncensored. Is this the end?

Soleil has been dormant for a while. I was thinking of stopping the blog, actually. The thing is.....this love thing.... is SOOOO overrated. What do I want? A husband that I need to iron for? Because that’s the type of person I am- giving and girly. *GROAN* And my time at the moment? I can do what I want with it. Isn’t that what life’s all about? I mean, I’m doing fine without love- living the best life I know how. I cook my dinners en masse and heat them up whenever I’m hungry. I come home at 1 on a weeknight if I am that way inclined. I have way too many hobbies and if my schedule isn’t busy and I want it busy? I’ll make it busy. I rely on no one. And that’s the way I like it. But this niggling love THING! The honest truth is that I still want it. STUPID BIOLOGY! There are enough humans in the world. Why am I biologically programmed to want a little leech child thing that I have to spend my hard earned dosh on? Mentally- I just can’t reconcile this at all! But at the same time, I want what I can’t have. And not for the biological reasons, but for the companionship reasons. Whoa- hold your horses, Soleil. How many friends have you got? Enough. So why do you need companionship? Are you just being greedy? *End Soleil talking to herself*

The truth is- I have set out to rectify this situation the only way I can think of- I have gone on hiatus for a month. And it hasn’t been easy.

Let’s recap with Prince Harry. We had some laughs, sure. But there were ‘problems’. And I just knew that it wasn’t right from that first kiss. Cher had something when she went on about feelings being ‘in his kiss’. *end corny reference* Nevertheless, I kept giving it a shot because he was a really nice guy.... and people around me were all saying the same thing- that I was being too harsh and not giving people a go. So.... for once... I listened. And while I didn’t necessarily care, Harry never called me again.

And that brings me as close to home as I can get- to my own house. Could talent be lurking in the next room? Maybe.... And if I haven’t lost my opportunity, it is slipping away from me as a certain someone is becoming too familiar for me to consider. Is that an excuse? Am I trying to convince myself out of the one situation I have been dreaming about for months? I've pulled two posts from this blog just in case he found out but I don't care any more. A big fat whatever. Anyway, the becoming 'too familiar' bullshit. Is this new attitude merely self-preservation? Or just the irrational ramblings of a girl who has no more idea than the next person's about what she is doing? The instincts are there- the desire- the everything. But now I am thinking about it a little differently than before. And what am I finding? I’m finding that maybe it’s not as right as I thought it was. Self-preservation? Preparation for the fall....? Or something I can't quite label?

So where to now---

Nowhere I guess. Hiatus. It sucks, I don’t like it at all. I’m in this period where I’m not waiting for anyone to sweep me off my feet- that’s not it at all. But I’ve let go of my hobby of dating. Relinquished my powers of alluring the opposite sex. And for what? For a big fat nothing. This doesn’t sound fun at all. But maybe that’s because dating is like an addiction to me. And so it is with this thought that I continue on with my hiatus. I’m breaking a habit. Maybe I can do this for more than a month. Maybe I can drag it out to TWO months. Maybe- more than likely, I’ll fail. But all I know is- I’m sick of horny internet guys. I’m sick of guys that lie on their profile about trivial shit- if you are going to lie, at least make it humorous. I’m sick of feeding the habit with ‘cheap fixes’ aka sub-standard guys. And.... I’d like to change. I’d like to maybe get serious about this stuff- and to stop piss farting around.

So..... If anything gossip worthy happens- I’ll let you know. If I fail or succeed in this mission- I’ll let you know. If I meet someone I really want something to go further with, I might be a little more secretive- for the guy’s sake. And from this, maybe... just maybe....you will know..... if I..... have (ever) fallen.