Well, it wouldn't be right to miss this year's chapter of dating. Especially since I think it has been the most eventful dating year in my life.
Firstly, my cousin decided to play cupid and set me up with a guy who had no idea how to treat a woman. He took me to the football for the first date. We watched HIS team. That was alright for me because I have a crush on Simon Black. But WHAT he was WEARING! Ripped jeans, work boots... UGH! It was TERRIBLE! So, for a second date he decided he was coming over for tea. I was so unimpressed with his efforts the first time around so I thought I would pay it back. I didn't change out of my work clothes and I cooked something out of a jar. He said it was crap and I agreed. That was the point. That was redemption. The problem was, he looked so sharp. He was clean shaven and wearing a shirt! It made me feel a little bad to say the least.
Anyway, he was clueless, but he was fun to talk to and VERY cute so I kept him around for longer than I should have. There was no food or cooking utensils in his house, just two bongs, some cooking oil and left-over pasta in the fridge. It was a nightmare! Also, he was the second fish-kisser. (See, I told you I didn't really learn). He had a fetish with putting his hands around my neck. It scared me. On our final date he struck up a conversation about killers. I began to get very uneasy. And then I had to work out some way to get him disinterested. It's called detailed messaging and psycho-analysing. Guys HATE it. "Why are you so unhappy with your life?" etc etc. Worked like a charm.
Next was the guy I didn't know if I could like. His profile included an out of date photo of a slimmer, younger model, travelling to exotic places. In reality, he misrepresented himself. He didn't have the adventurous streak within him to drive into Melbourne! 50 kilometre drives were daunting to him. He had never done it before. Never driven into our beautiful city. Now THAT is SAD! Pathetic. Inexcusable. I thought maybe I was being too harsh, so I gave him three dates as a precautionary measure. He decided to drive to Adelaide during that time, which settled my inital unease somewhat. However, with each date, he became more and more boring. And by the end of it, he was obsessed with me and I was TOTALLY bored by him. Result: He rang a bazillion times. He left a bazillion messages. He wanted to know why I didn't answer his calls or messages. I thought that was obvious, but I was wrong. And, in the end, I needed to let him know that it was over.
Then, there was a guy from speed dating. For those of you who don't know, it involves a table where the boys wander around and talk to you. This one was at three minute intervals. At the end of the night you write down who you like. The company that runs the night then collates the data and sends you the email addresses of any mutual matches. Anyway, Mr Speed-dater assured me that he put down my name and at his assurance I put down his. I wasn't going to, he seemed a little smarmy but he hassled and I thought it was harmless. Then we went out on a date. Straight afterwards, to a bar around the corner. He was a New Zealander, cute and funny, but a social retard because he asked me stupid questions like if I had ever had an STD and stuff like that. It was clearly going nowhere. Then I found out that he wasn't even a match, but that didn't stop him from messaging me and trying to convince me to give him a second date! IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE!
Actually, speed dating this year has not lead to favourable results. The first time I tried, I matched with a young 'doctor' who claimed to be an oncologist. I asked him which cancer was the most interesting to which he replied, disturbingly "My favourite cancer is prostate". Erm...... NO ONE. NOT EVEN DOCTORS should have a 'favourite cancer'. The maths indicated that he was too young to be a specialist in the first place. And.... he sent the same email to both me and my cousin about going on a second date. Word for word. All class!
Then there was your stock standard pub pash. it had to happen sooner or later. After all, it had been years and I needed to know if I still had it. Turns out I do. The problem was that it went so well that he was in a state of utter disbelief when I said I would certainly NOT be going home with him. The argument was settled when I stated that he was actually not as interested in me as he thought because he couldn't remember my name. Luckily, I was right and we left without him. That's when I met my ex-boyfriend's best friend's ex-boyfriend. (If that makes sense). He was the cutest guy there. I told him that. Out of nowhere, he asked me if I knew Holly (maybe he had seen my face in a photo of hers or something?) and appeared to choke up a little. That was when the night ended.
Then there was 'Bald musical guy'. So named because on his iPod were the likes of 'Rent' and 'Cats' and 'Les Miserables'.... and nothing much else. There was also a Lady GaGa song in there for 'good' measure! It was musical suicide! On his internet profile he also listed his hair as 'blonde' when in reality he didn't really have much at all. It was a little sad, really.
There was a chef with an Atari t-shirt, who didn't understand my reference to 'Roadtrip' when I made it. You know, the little weedy nerd with the Atari shirt who does the crazy dancing! That was a little disappointing. I loved that movie. Anyway, Chef-guy had a twin brother. He seemed nice but was a little dry. There wasn't much excitement in his voice... AND he expected me to pay for lunch.
Oh.... and...... Rugby Boy. So named because on the second date we wound up watching Rugby in an inner-city pub. This was something that I had vowed NEVER to do and yet I did it... Thanks to a tall, dark and handsome stranger. What's worse is that he explained the rules and I UNDERSTOOD them. This is all very un-Victorian, I know. Then, HE had the audacity to say there was no spark. HOW RUDE! After the sacrifice I made for him!
And now I wait for my new dating site to deliver me some matches and line me up some dates. Because I know I haven't had any in a long time!
No comments:
Post a Comment